An Urgent Message From the Phone Scammer on the Other Line

This is an official message from the IRS

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Oh, you actually picked up! You have no idea how many times I’ve been hung up, cussed out, or just flat-out ignored today.

Anyway, I’m really glad you did pick up — I’ve got an urgent message for you. See, I’m from the IRS, and as it turns out, you’re committing serious tax fraud.

Now, listen, I’m sure this whole fraud thing is really just a big misunderstanding — which is why I want to help you clear it up ASAP. Otherwise, who knows what might happen? Frozen bank accounts, going to jail, thousand dollar fines?

Frankly, you should be glad I’m even making this call. As long as you cooperate, I think we can fix this whole thing right here.

So, I’m just going to need some basic information from you first — you know, all your credit card information, your PIN code, your social security number. Actually, just to be safe, you might want to hand over all the login information for your bank account too.

You’re retired, you say? Haven’t had to pay taxes in years? Absolutely no way you could have committed tax fraud?

Well, of course I knew that — in fact, did I tell you I was from the IRS? I actually meant to say I’m from the Social Security Administration. If you don’t start rattling off those numbers, your benefits are going to stop immediately.

Oh, you don’t receive social security benefits?

Well, sure you don’t — that’s why I’m calling from Microsoft to tell you that your computer has a virus on it. We monitor all our customers’ devices, and we picked up some unusual activity on yours. Now, listen, I can fix this for you, but I’m going to need remote access to your desktop. So, let me tell you what you need to d —

Wait, you don’t have a computer? You go to the library when you need to check your email or watch cat videos on YouTube?

Oh, well, uh…that’s no problem. See, the real reason I’m calling has to do with your grandchild. I’m not sure if you knew your grandchild was traveling abroad in Italy, but they were. He or she has been arrested for causing a public disturbance, and I’m the police officer calling to let you know. This is a real sticky situation here: unless you pay the fine, we can’t let your precious sweetheart go. They could be stuck here…for years.

Fortunately, you can pay over the phone. I’m just going to need that credit card number.

Your only grandchild is eight-years-old, you say? No chance they could’ve been arrested for underage drinking then?

Alright, you know what?

I think I might have the wrong number — so have a good day, I’ve got an urgent message to deliver to someone else.

When I’m not writing, you can usually find me hanging out with my cats.

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